Co Parenting With Someone You Do Not Trust

Co parenting is hard enough when you like each other. When you do not trust your ex, it can feel impossible.

If you are in California and recently divorced, in the middle of a case, or thinking about filing, here is the blunt truth: you do not need to magically trust your ex to protect your kids and run a functional parenting plan. You need structure.

This is where parallel parenting, clear communication rules, and solid decision making systems come in.

Co-parenting versus parallel parenting

People love to throw around the phrase co parenting as if it means friendly teamwork and Sunday brunches together.

Real life is different. There are two basic models:

• Co parenting: parents communicate frequently and directly, coordinate plans, and make joint decisions with a reasonable level of trust and flexibility.
• Parallel parenting: parents interact as little as possible, keep clear boundaries, and run their households separately under a detailed parenting plan.

If you do not trust your ex, you are probably aiming for parallel parenting, at least for now.

Parallel parenting is not a failure. It is often a necessary phase so that:

• Conflict is not constantly spilling onto the children
• You are not stuck in endless text wars
• You can each run your home without constant interference

You can shift toward more cooperative co parenting later if trust actually builds. Right now, you need a framework that works even if trust is low.

Step one: accept that trust is not a requirement

Courts in California talk a lot about the best interests of the child. They do not require you to like each other, trust each other, or be emotionally over the divorce.

What the court does care about is:

• Stability for the kids
• Safety
• Reasonable access to both parents when it is safe
• Parents following court orders

So be honest with yourself:

• You may not trust their judgment
• You may believe they lie or twist things
• You may think they are reckless with money or flaky with time

Fine. Then build a parenting system that assumes those weaknesses and still protects your kids.

Parallel parenting basics: separate lanes, tight rules

Parallel parenting is about reducing direct friction. Key elements:

1. Detailed written parenting plan
2. Limited, structured communication
3. Clear division of responsibilities

You and your ex are not trying to “team up” on everything. You are trying to minimize opportunities for conflict while still complying with the parenting order.

What a detailed parenting plan should cover

If you do not trust the other parent, vague language is your enemy. You want specifics, things like:

• Exact exchange days and times
• Exact exchange locations and backup locations
• Late pickup rules: how long you have to wait, what happens if they are a no show
• Holiday schedule spelled out in plain language
• Vacation rules: how much notice, what info must be shared, what limits

The more detail in the order, the less room there is for “that is not what we agreed.”

If you are still in a case, push for this level of detail in your mediation or court orders. If you already have a parenting plan and it is vague, talk to a California family law attorney about whether it can be clarified or modified.

Communication rules when you do not trust the other parent

Unstructured communication is where a lot of damage happens. You cannot control them, but you can control the rules you push for and the way you respond.

Use written communication as the default

Phone calls and in person chats are where things get twisted or denyable. With low trust, assume everything needs to be documented.

Common options:

• Court approved co parenting apps
• Email
• Text only if your orders allow and you can keep it short

Written communication protects you and gives you proof if you ever need to show a pattern to the court.

Keep it brief, businesslike, and boring

This is not about being friendly. It is about being effective. Use something like the BIFF style: brief, informative, firm, and neutral.

Bad:
“You are always late and you clearly do not care how this affects their bedtime.”

Better:
“Per our order, pickup is at 6:00 pm. You arrived at 6:35 pm today. Please be on time going forward so they can keep a consistent bedtime.”

You will probably feel like saying more. Do not. The more emotional the message, the more ammunition you hand over.

Communication rules you can build into an order or agreement

You can negotiate for or ask the court to order simple rules such as:

• All non emergency communication about the kids must be through a specific app or email
• No direct contact at exchanges except for brief necessary information
• No using the children to pass messages or ask questions
• No recording children talking about the other parent
• No social media posts that disparage the other parent

Will they follow all of this perfectly? Probably not. But when you have clear rules on paper, you have something solid to point to if you need enforcement.

Decision making structures when there is no trust

California separates physical custody (where the child lives) from legal custody (who makes major decisions about health, education, and welfare).

You might have:

• Joint legal custody
• Sole legal custody to one parent
• Joint legal custody with tie breaking authority for one parent in specific areas

When trust is low but the court still expects some level of shared decision making, you want decision structures that do not blow up every week.

Option 1: Dividing spheres of decision making

One approach is to divide the big areas:

• One parent has final say on education after “good faith consultation”
• The other has final say on non emergency health care after consultation
• Both must agree on mental health treatment unless the court says otherwise

This way you are not stuck arguing about every detail. Each of you knows your lane.

Option 2: Joint legal with clear timelines and default rules

If you have true joint legal custody, push for specific procedures, such as:

• Each parent must provide written notice for major decisions (new doctor, new school, activities above a certain cost)
• The other parent has a set number of days to respond
• If they do not respond within that time, it is treated as consent or as a refusal depending on how your order is written
• If there is a disagreement, you must attempt mediation or a parenting coordinator before filing a court motion

The main goal is to stop constant last minute surprises and give you a predictable process.

Option 3: Tie breaker authority

In higher conflict cases, courts sometimes order:

• Joint legal custody overall
• One parent has tie breaking authority in certain areas

Example:

• You consult each other on school choices, but if you cannot agree after a set time, Parent A makes the final decision.
• You consult on medical issues, but Parent B has final say on non emergency providers.

This is not about one parent being better. It is about the court picking the structure most likely to keep the kids from being stuck in limbo.

If you want something like this, talk clearly with your attorney about what you are asking for and why. Judges care about what helps the children, not about settling emotional scores.

Protecting yourself without dragging the kids into the middle

You do not trust your ex. Fine. The danger is that the kids can easily become messengers, spies, or emotional support animals. That will damage them fast.

Some baseline rules for yourself:

• Do not ask your child to report on what happens at the other home
• Do not show them messages or orders to prove your point
• Do not vent to them about court, money, or how “unfair” everything is
• If they complain about something serious, document it and talk to your lawyer or therapist, not to the child at length

You can take what your kids say seriously without recruiting them into your battle.

When lack of trust is about real safety

There is a difference between “I do not like their parenting style” and “I am afraid the kids are unsafe.”

If your concerns are about:

• Substance abuse
• Domestic violence
• Serious mental health issues
• Neglect or physical risk

Then this is not only about communication rules. This is about safety and legal protection. You need to talk to a California family law attorney and possibly the court about modifying orders, adding supervised visits, or getting other protections in place.

Do not hide behind “we are just co parenting badly” if what you actually have is a safety problem. Always call 911 if you feel like its an emergency.

Can trust ever be rebuilt?

Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. The point is that your parenting system cannot depend on trust magically appearing.

Over time, you may see:

• They show up on time consistently
• They follow the order more often than not
• They give you reasonable notice of big changes
• The kids seem stable and not distressed by transitions

If that happens, you can slowly loosen some of the rigid rules, cooperate more, and shift closer to a true co parenting model.

If it does not happen, you still have a structure that keeps things from completely falling apart.

What you should focus on right now

If you are a California parent in or around divorce and you do not trust your ex, your priorities are simple:

• Get a detailed parenting plan in writing, not a vague handshake understanding
• Use written, structured communication and stop engaging in emotional back and forth
• Push for decision making structures that do not require constant negotiation
• Keep the kids out of the adult conflict as much as you possibly can
• Talk to a California family law attorney about any serious safety concerns or needed changes to your orders

You may never fully trust the other parent. That is reality. Your job is not to fix them. Your job is to put enough structure around the situation that your child can still have a stable, predictable life despite the divorce.